Tragiphobia - Shannon's made up term for the fear of tragedy...
This past December, one of my former students from the youth Sunday School class that I taught passed away very unexpectedly and tragically. The event hit very close to home and I was shaken to the core. I felt like I had been living in a bubble where I sometimes was concerned that something could happen to a loved one, but most likely it would not. That bubble was burst. I felt naked, exposed and honestly, unprotected. My dad died very unexpectedly and tragically as well, so the pain of remembering this grief was overwhelming at times. Suddenly I didn't feel like my loved ones were safe anymore. It hurt to watch them walk out the front door and to think they might not come back. I started borrowing worry that conversations I had with them could be my last, that hugs I gave them could be final. In the weeks that followed, my cousin and her husband tragically lost their baby that we were expecting to welcome to the world this summer, friends of mine lost family members, and my Aunt Charlyne passed away in East Texas. Thoughts of how precious, but temporary, life is have been my constant companion, along with worry of losing people I consider irreplaceable in my life. I have not been living in peace. Sometimes when I blog I am able to write about trials I've been through and what I learned from them or how they were resolved. In this case, I am still very much wrestling with this trial and learning to trust God more in the process...it's not easy.
The TRUTH is that I have no fear of death because of the power of Christ in me (1 Corinthians 15:55). Jesus is Lord and King in the hearts of all my closest loved ones, and as Ben sweetly reminded me the other night, if something does happen, "I know where I'm going and I get you back." The TRUTH is also that this life is not really about me. I am here only to bring glory to the great I AM, whether in life or death (Exodus 3:13-15). The problem is, I've developed attachments to things [people] in this world. The TRUTH is furthermore that I cannot allow these things [people] to become idols in my heart (Exodus 20:3). If I exalt these relationships and love them more than God, then my heart is broken and needs to re-prioritize until it seeks and loves God first...and all these things will be added unto me (Matthew 6:33). I think more than anything, I'm afraid of the pain that I've experienced, remember, and know comes with the grief of losing someone you love. I wish I could never have to experience that kind of pain again. Sadly, it is part of this life. TRUTH tells me that God will never leave my side (Deuteronomy 31:6) and that I can put my faith and trust in Him as I daily die to self and give my loved ones and desires over to His capable, loving, good, and never failing hands. I read the following scripture tonight and it prompted this post. It's not easy to be this vulnerable or to share these deep, personal emotions, but I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with the fear of losing someone and so I pray that we can encourage each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows...Anyone who loves their father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for My sake will find it.
~Matthew 10:29-31, 37-39
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