The last week of June 2013 is not something I will remember fondly. Lots of struggles and obstacles for our family that have made the road rocky. Today, God has been convicting me to give it all up in exchange for His peace. Sounds like a pretty good deal...so why can't I do it? Letting go has never been easy for me. I like to be in control (even when I'm not).
I went on a drive earlier to clear my head, and while I was out I decided to drive by my childhood house as well as the house my grandparent's used to live in - they are only a short block from each other. When I got to my grandparent's house, a shock of emotions I was not expecting stirred within me. I missed this place! Memories flooded my brain, even though the house looks very different from when they lived there. But some things were exactly as my grandparents left them, exactly as I remembered them. That big wooden front door. A door that was so big and sturdy that as a child it hurt my hand to knock on it, but on the other side of it, I knew love and affection waited for me, so instead of being daunting, this door represented hope. I started to imagine the scene I would walk into if my grandparents still lived there. They would have already eaten lunch (at 11 am :)) and would be resting in their chairs for after lunch nap/tv time. Shortly after that granddaddy would go to his workshop to work on a project, or tend to the yard. Grandmama would begin preparations for dinner, or would go to the living room to read her favorite Louis Lamour book. Matthew, Jonathan and I would go play outside or take over the den tv to watch classic 1990's Nickelodeon (THE BEST). I know every inch of that house. I love that house. And I wanted to be back in it, worry and stress free, surrounded by the familiar.
As I drove off, I couldn't shake the urge to go knock on the door and ask the current owner if I could just come inside for a second. Or sit on the front step and let nostalgia carry me away.... I realized that the inside of that house would look nothing like I remembered it and would probably be a disappointment. So why did I long to be there so bad? It was familiar to me, it held wonderful memories for me...but more than that, it represented peace to me.
Peace. Ohhhh. The very thing God was convicting me that HE could provide for me. But instead of allowing Him to do that, I was fleeing to a past memory that had brought me peace. One that didn't exist anymore. It was then I realized that my subconscious had been driving my car, not me...that's not safe. My patient Father God then explained to me in His always gentle way, "Shannon, My courts should be so familiar to you that when you enter them you already know the scene that will be playing out. You know that you will see Me seated on My throne, and that you can come in and rest and find peace in my presence as you gaze up at me with eyes I created. You should be so familiar with my love for you that you recognize the soft feel of my big lap as you curl up in it, and immediately relax under My gentle touch as I rub your back and comfort you." Tears. Yes, Father, THAT is the peace that I so often neglect as I blindly stumble around trying to find peace in this world. God is Enough for me. I know this. As I remembered that He is bigger than all these obstacles, I realized how hard the enemy must be battling to make me think that I need to seek something other than my Big, Capable, God.
I write this and share this because while your version of striving to find peace might look different than mine, we all do it. Other ways I try to find peace are through my favorite ice cream (or anything sweet, let's be honest here), escaping through a movie (romantic comedy? yes please.), going on a shopping spree (my bank account hates it when I do this), begging my absolutely amazing husband to let us pack up and leave town (escapism at it's finest!), or in very desperate times, going to the gym (I do this when I'm not trying to flee too...sometimes ;)). Why do we do this? The enemy lies to us. he tells us that God isn't big enough. That we've read all the scripture and couldn't possibly find anything comforting in it's Words today. That all that praying probably isn't doing anything, so just give up. Do what feels good, do what's easy, do what's comfortable. Ugh. I hate him. True Peace is a choice. Sometimes it's hard, and it takes effort and work on our part to dig through all the muck of this world in order to see the familiar Light of our Father God smiling back at us. But He is worth it. And He is the only One who can satisfy. Nothing else will do. Nothing. Choose God's peace and let His river of Peace flood your soul. No matter what events occur, or news I receive, God's Peace is big Enough to wash out all my anxiety, fear and worry. Every. Single. Time.
"I will find my rest in God alone. He is the One who gives me hope. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure. I depend on God to save me and to honor me. He is my mighty rock. He is my place of safety." ~Psalm 62:5-7
