I Will Follow

Now the plans that I have made fail to compare when I see Your glory. Ruin my life the plans that I've made. Ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken your place, til it's You alone I live for.

~Jeff Johnson

I love this Jeff Johnson song and was so excited when the band started playing this song at our youth's dnow weekend recently. Except while singing the familiar words, the Holy Spirit starting pressing me...Do you really mean these words you're singing? You want me to RUIN your life? Because if that's so, then why aren't you letting go of your plans? I don't remember the words to the next song we sang, but it was along the same lines and this time the conviction was so heavy that I couldn't sing the words.

The next weekend, I woke up and was particularly excited about my time with the Lord this morning. It was the first chance that I'd had enough time to sit down and wrestle with my conviction with no distractions, no matter how long it took to work it out. God asked me 3 questions:

1. Why do you follow Me?
2. Why should you follow Me?
3. How have you been following Me?

6 journal pages later, I had answered God's questions to me and was left completely humbled by the state of my heart. God asked me to really think about the meaning of the word "follow". A word we use so often, especially in Christian circles, but I never really think about the weight or meaning of the word. The definition of follow is to go, proceed, or come after. And I realized, I'm not following God so much as I'm expecting Him to follow me. Yes, you heard that right. I've been expecting the great God of the universe, the God who parted the red sea, who spared Daniel in the lion's den, who crumbled the walls of Jericho, THIS God to follow my plans that I've made. This realization makes me sick. Just sick. There was MUCH repenting going on and thanks to God for revealing this sickness to me.

And now I'm praying for healing. So many times this past week I've started to take off full speed down a path that I think looks nice and God gently tugs at my heart and says "Wait. Are you following Me or wanting Me to follow you again? Wait." It warms my heart to think about what a good Father our God is. Oh how I love Him and oh how I'm thankful for His patience and gentleness with me. I'm so thankful He's asking me who's following who in those moments where I think I've found a good path to run down, and I'm thankful that He's allowed me to put on the brakes, stop and look back at my Father to see where He is leading. My paths are dark, frustrating, confusing and miserable. In God's presence, there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).